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The death of a mother or father can be life-altering, but the way grief is experienced may vary depending on your age and stage of life. It can also alter the types of tasks you may be responsible for – if you’re the executor of the estate or are given the responsibility of managing certain tasks as the child of someone who passed, you’ll need to be prepared to manage more than just the grief. This article gives some guidance on how to handle the death of a parent both logistically and emotionally.
Losing a parent as an adult
While no age makes the loss easy, the emotional impact, support needs, and identity shifts can look quite different. Here are some things that adults may experience after the loss of a parent:
- Many adults experience a long lead-up to the loss, often acting as caregivers. The grief may be mixed with exhaustion, relief, or guilt from the caregiving journey.
- Adult children may now feel like the “older generation” or become the emotional center of the family. This shift can bring pressure and a sudden sense of increased responsibility.
- Adults may grieve the relationship they had—or wish they had—with more context. The loss often invites reflection on family history, legacy, and mortality.
- Adult grievers are often managing jobs, kids, and households, leaving little space to slow down and process grief. The emotional weight can be tucked into the corners of an already full life.
Whether you’re 7 or 57, dealing with a parent’s death can unravel you. The relationship you had, your stage of life, and your support system all shape the way grief shows up. There is no age at which people stop needing their parents—and no age at which the loss doesn’t matter.
What to do when a parent passes away: logistics
When a parent dies, the emotional weight can be overwhelming. At the same time, there are many practical matters that need attention, often immediately. The following is a brief guide on what to do after the loss of a father or mother that can help you manage some of the important logistical tasks. (Many of these tasks can only be done by someone who is an executor of the estate – if this is not you, they are good to connect with the executor on.) If you’d like a more comprehensive guide, consider following this checklist on what to do after some dies. Having a clear list of logistical steps can help ground you during a disorienting time.
- Get a legal pronouncement of death: If your parent passed away in a hospital or care facility, staff would typically handle this. If the death occurred at home, you’ll need to contact emergency services so a medical professional can officially pronounce the death.
- Notify immediate family and close friends: Begin by informing close relatives and friends. This can be emotionally exhausting, so consider asking a trusted family member to help make calls or send messages.
- Secure the property: If your parent lived alone, make sure their home is locked and safe. Check that pets are cared for and perishable food is removed.
- Locate the will and legal documents: Try to find your parent’s will, life insurance policies, and any pre-paid funeral plans. These documents guide what happens next and who is responsible for making decisions.
- Arrange for funeral or memorial services: Work with a funeral home to begin planning. If there are pre-arranged wishes, follow them. Otherwise, you’ll need to decide on burial, cremation, service details, and any religious or cultural customs to be honored.
- Obtain death certificates: You’ll need multiple certified copies (often 5-10) for handling legal and financial matters like insurance claims, closing bank accounts, or transferring property.
- Notify relevant institutions: There are a lot of institutions that you will likely need to inform after your parent dies. Some of these include their employer, banks and credit card companies, Social Security Administration, insurance providers, mortgage and utility companies.
- Most estates in South Africa must go through a frormal administration process with the Master of the High Court. To get started, you can contact a local attorney, trust company, or a qualified estate administrator to assist you. There are also administrative service providers that offer more cost-effective, streamlined estate administration support, which can help reduce professional fees.
- Gather and organize financial Information: Collect records of income, debts, assets, and monthly expenses. This will help in managing or closing accounts and distributing the estate.
- Take care of yourself: While handling logistics, don’t forget your own well-being. Grieving and managing affairs at the same time is taxing. Take breaks, ask for help, and connect with support systems when needed.
Grieving a parent: what to expect
Losing a parent—no matter your age—can feel like the ground has shifted beneath you. Even if the relationship was complicated or the death was expected, the grief can be intense, unpredictable, and deeply personal. While everyone’s journey through grief is different, there are some common experiences that can help normalize what you may be feeling.
- A wide range of emotions: Grief rarely follows a straight line. You might feel sadness, anger, guilt, relief, confusion, or even numbness—sometimes all in the same day. These emotional waves are normal. There’s no “right” way to grieve, and there’s no timeline you have to follow.
- Disrupted identity: For many adults, the death of a parent can shake their sense of self. You might feel like you’ve lost your anchor or connection to your past. If you were a caregiver or emotionally close to your parent, the absence of that role can leave a significant void.
- Physical and cognitive changes: Grief can take a toll on your body and mind. Fatigue, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite, and sleep disturbances are all common. Some people describe feeling “foggy” or disconnected from their usual routines.
- Old wounds may resurface: The loss of a parent can stir up unresolved feelings from the past. You may grieve not just the person who died, but the relationship you wish you had. This kind of grief is valid and worth acknowledging.
- Shifts in family dynamics: The death of a parent can change the roles within your family. You might feel pressure to “hold things together,” mediate tensions, or take on new responsibilities. These changes can be stressful and may bring up long-standing patterns.
- Grief triggers and milestones: Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even everyday moments can bring grief back to the surface. This is normal, and these “grief bursts” don’t mean you’re regressing—they’re part of the ongoing relationship you carry with your parent in their absence.
- Gradual adjustment: In time, the intensity of grief often softens. You may find yourself smiling at memories more often than crying. Grief doesn’t go away completely, but it changes. It becomes something you carry rather than something that carries you.
